Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
he thought i was a dude.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
