It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
