I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You are a genius and a whore.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
