i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
