she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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