community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
