if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
