Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
