I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
