There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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