Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
