i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
