sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
