his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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