I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
