I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
