Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
