hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
