can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
