After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
