wat bout pragnant strippers??
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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