Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
