it's too hot outside to masturbate.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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