I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
