Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
