Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
