Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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