just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's get the cat blown out
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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