I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
