The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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