My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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