OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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