dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
