it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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