You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
