mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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