after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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