I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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