I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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