dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
