he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
