2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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