good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
