I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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