I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
