My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
