Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
