the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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