You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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