I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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