Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
