o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
