Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
