Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
