if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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