I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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