I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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