I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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