Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
