My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
