my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
