Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
