i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize