Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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