Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
