textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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